No Strings Attached – so why am I tangled?

IBS and sex DO NOT mix!!!

Ergh. I hate having IBS, especially when it’s uncontrollable. It’s so frustrating and really hard to keep tabs on. Sometimes I’m absolutely fine, other times I get such bad stomach ache and diarrhoea. But I don’t dwell on it too much because there are others who have it really badly!

Last night I was at my fuck buddies house and we were having sex. Then we tried a new position and I suddenly really needed to pass wind. I was so worried that I made him stop and then got really bad cramp. To make matters worse, I got all clammy and hot (probably from worrying about farting!) I walked it off and went downstairs, mid sex, which completely killed the mood!

I went back upstairs and said I wanted to finish him off. So he fucked me in an easy position and he finished. Then we had a little snuggle and I gave him a back massage as he had a sore back.

I think I’m starting to get feelings for him. But I’m not sure if those feelings are me liking HIM or me just wanting someone. I fancy him, he has a great body and he makes me laugh. But we don’t really have much in common. His job is IT support and programming which bores the hell out of me. He loves football and Xbox, I don’t! He goes to the gym all the time and when he doesn’t he round his neighbours house smoking weed. He just really isn’t what I’d want in a partner.

However I find myself getting excited about seeing him and when I see his name pop up on my phone with a text, I get nervous. When we fuck, sometimes he looks at me really intensely and it is something that couples do, when making love (we definitely don’t make love ahahaha!) We spoon and snuggle which is lovely. Last night he pulled me close and nestled his head into my chest, which he always does. These things, of course, will make you start to like someone because it gives off the same romantic impulses that a relationship does. I’ve been round his house three evenings in a row to fuck this week and he wants me round most nights because I’m going on holiday at the end of the week.

But I know he doesn’t want anything more because he always goes on about us being JUST fuck buddies. Usually I stay after a night out but when I’ve been going round this week, he likes me to go home. He didn’t say it in a rude way but he said he hates sharing his bed, especially in this heat. His room is ridiculously hot but obviously if he wanted me there, that wouldn’t make a difference. I also walk home from his, which is only two streets away. But it’s really dark and I  get really freaked out. A drunk started talking to me the night before last when I walked home which frightened me as the guy wasn’t emotionally stable and didn’t seem quite right. He never offers to walk me home and he doesn’t text to see if I’m home okay. I text him first this morning and he replied very quickly, so clearly he could have text. He just didn’t. I accept this though. It’s the terms of a fuck buddy and the rule is to never expect any more. So I don’t.

I think I just want someone that I get all the romantic feelings with, that rush of excitement. I’ve been single almost half a year now and I’m getting bored. I’ve been wild but it would be nice to just have someone I think. I don’t know. It’s also bad to be desperate and to seek out relationships. It’s about waiting until someone comes along. But in this day in age, that doesn’t usually just happen. You don’t go to coffee shops and find a god-like man reading the same book as you and he doesn’t leave romantic notes on your car – I don’t have a car anyway. AH HA! Maybe that’s it. I need to get a car and then Mr Right will come along… Hehehe! I don’t really want Mr Right though. I want Mr OK. I’m too young to settle with the love of my life at this age. I am fully aware that I will date lots of people and have various boyfriends until I find THE ONE.

Lets the games (and heartache) begin! 

Why Men Marry Bitches.

So he’s definitely a player… But not a very good one! Haha! Long story short, I’m not bothering with the guy I mentioned in my last post. We’ve been texting lots and I made it obvious that I didn’t want sex for a month. I imposed a one month sex ban and he agreed. But he wouldn’t stop talking about his ‘wandering hand’ and how he couldn’t keep his hands off me.

It’s well known that a guy who actually wants to date you will not usually try to fuck you straight away. My mum was telling me that when my dad was courting her (they are now separated) he didn’t try anything of the sort. He was a complete sex addict (EWW!) apparently and was always at it. He was definitely a womaniser. But with my mum, he wasn’t. He was very respectful and didn’t push his luck. Which is correct behaviour from a man who’s looking for more than just sex!

I’ve been reading a book called ‘Why Men Marry Bitches’ and it’s actually a brilliant book. It’s all about understanding men and the author points out what women are doing wrong. It’s not offensive to men like lots of those books. It’s not labeling them as idiots or awful human beings. It merely points out why men do what they do, how they differ from women and what women are doing wrong. The author spent hundreds of hours interviewing men about dating, sex, marriage etc and then using her findings, she wrote the book. It’s really interesting and it’s all about being different.

From what I gather… A lot of women are the same. Very needy, they read into everything and they usually are more keen with putting a label on things. Men want all the same things – so love, relationships, marriage etc but they are careful with commitment because they want to be loved for them, not just because they are filling the HUSBAND WANTED vacancy, as such. It’s massively about the chase. After dates, the woman is supposed to play hard to get. She’s not supposed to text her man all day, every day, pick up the phone all the time and be available constantly. Even if she is, to the man she must appear BUSY! So he knows that she has her OWN life that doesn’t revolve around him. If a woman can show she’s happy and coping perfectly fine without a man, that makes her more appealing because it takes the pressure off the guy. He can make her happier and be a nice addition to her life. But ultimately, she’s happy already and he needs to slot into her life, not define it. 

Anyway, enough about the book. We went on our date. More happened than I had planned… Hahaha. He picked me up in his BMW – I wasn’t particularly impressed because I have no idea about cars! HAHA! We went to get a drink – I paid! He kept saying no but I insisted as I had cash. It’s a pleasant change from women always expecting men to pay. However I must admit (however golddigger-ish this may sound) that when I go on a date to dinner, I would expect the guy to pay. I’d always offer but realistically, a real man will pay. When a guy likes a woman enough, the price of a dinner won’t matter. Unless it’s at the Ritz… Then it matters! I find it hard to let guys pay for me as I never accept it graciously. I always force them to let me go dutch at the very least. Then I’m always a little disappointed because I know that a gentleman wouldn’t allow it. Maybe it’s a test I do without actually being aware. I genuinely want to pay at the time and find it very awkward accepting a ‘meal ticket’ from a guy. And when they do back down and allow me to contribute, I’m always a little disappointed because it’s not the way to treat a lady. I’m a fool, really!

We spoke for an hour or so, got on really well. Then we went back to his house and chilled on the sofa. He kissed me and within minutes he had carried me up to his bedroom and he was undressing me. I kept trying to stop him but he kept trying. He ended up pinning me down and fingering me, which was actually really hot. But he took it too far! He knew I didn’t want to fuck on the first date and I kept refusing to do things to him because I wanted to wait. He was inbetween my legs feeling my knickers and he moved them to the side and tried to force his cock inside me. I physically couldn’t get him off and I told him (in a lighthearted tone because I didn’t feel threatened. I knew if I genuinely told him to get off that he would) to stop it, which he did. Then he dropped me home and we’ve been texting.

Today I got it out of him though. He said he wanted to try dating but that he wasn’t sure about how he will feel. He said he goes all weird when it comes to relationships and it was clear then what his intentions were. They were very clear to begin with but I gave him a chance. We usually text all day, every day. Even when he’s working in London (he’s a police officer with the MET) he still texts me at least every 2/3 hours. Last night I was working and he said he would call on route to his mums if I had a break. I replied an hour later and then a few hours later put something about being bored at work. And I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the night!!! He never does that. He always says goodnight. It’s not even the fact he didn’t text (though he’s sitting around at his mums so he’s not exactly rushed off his feet all evening), it’s the fact that when he got home he didn’t even bother to say he was going to bed. I had called him on my break anyway and he didn’t answer either. So basically he ignored me for like 5/6 hours and the alarm bells were ringing. I can’t be certain about what he was up to. I suspected he was fucking someone else but he said he was tired and went to bed in a bad mood after losing a football match.

I couldn’t trust him though. We were in early days, had been on one date and already I was suspecting that he is sleeping with other women. The fact I know he’s lied in the past is what put me off really! Being a player in the past is something that can be forgotten as every player has to settle. But he’s lied to me when he was playing girls (and probably still is) and so I know first hand how good he could be. I could never trust him if he said he was at home with the guys. Or if he was on his phone. That could never be a relationship.

He suggested that I go round tonight. He asked if I wanted to grab a film. Not at the cinema though, of course not! A film to watch in his room, of course. I said it wasn’t a very romantic second date and he was like ‘what do you want to go out everrrrrryyyyyyytime?’ I was thinking ‘what the fuck? Hang on a minute! We’ve only been out ONCE for a drink… That I paid for… Then we went back to yours anyway! It’s not like you’ve spent a fortune taking me for dinners and what not!’ I politely declined and said that I didn’t think he was ready for dating. I explained that I think he is still better suited to fooling around and he asked if I would consider fucking him. I said yeah but that it gets complicated with feelings and then other people – like is it exclusive etc. He was like ‘I wouldn’t mind just fucking you…’ Fuck that though. Can’t be bothered with it. There are lots of manwhores out there offering to fuck me every day of the week, they aren’t hard to find! I said I think we shouldn’t bother with any more dates and said maybe we could meet up one day in the week. But I won’t. Too much hassle. Though he would be a great fuck so maybe one night if I’m desperate! HAHA!

So when I was pissed off with him, I text him fuck buddy. I went out after work last minute and was clubbing. My fuck buddy was also in town and so we went back together. He saw me talking with another guy and got really jealous about it. HAHA! Then we had great sex. We’ve only fucked in his room so far. Well two of his bedrooms. So I made him fuck me on his sofa then on his rug on the floor. His cousin was staying with him and we had all walked back together. I was so loud but we didn’t care because it felt so good. Then we went upstairs and fucked for ages. He kept kissing me loads and it was really intimate sex, like you have with a partner.

 

Then we went to sleep with him spooning me, I woke at 8:30 then got changed. I kissed his forehead and let myself out. Walked round the corner, as I did I got a text from the player (hadn’t heard from his since 7pm the night before and he was apologising etc. I will super impressed with myself, I did NOT drunk text him, which is something I usually do! When I’m drunk I get pissy with guys over text when they are playing me. I keep my cool when sober and try to play them back but it all goes tits up when I’m drunk!), I walked to my house, got back in bed and slept for an hour before getting up for work!

I’m just going to stick with my fuck buddy, as per. He wanted me to go round tonight but I had such bad stomach ache from going out. And alcohol shits! So I said I was with the family. We won’t fuck tomorrow as I’m working tomorrow night and he never stays up late but he said I could stay one night in the week, probably tuesday or wednesday night! Keep it simple.

Bored of the game already. I’d like a nice guy to get butterflies over and would love to fall in love. But a huge part of me still wants to be single, especially as I’m going back to Uni in September. 

MEN.

You can’t live WITH them, you can’t live WITHOUT them.

Playing a player… Is it game over?

Hmmm, so basically I’ve been talking to a guy (SHOCK HORROR!) I met him monthssssssssss ago and he was one of the first guys I kissed after breaking up with my ex. I had kissed a guy a few weeks after the break up and it was so awkward and horrible. I remember I wanted to cry afterwards! Ha. But this guy is the first who I felt comfortable with.

Anyway, long story short, he’s a player. 

Or at least was…

I mentioned him to one of my best friends (he has a very unusual, Italian name, so he’s easily identified) and she said he had just met up with one of her friends. I discovered that he was fuck buddies with this girl or at least they had been. To be honest, I wasn’t all too bothered because I wasn’t interested in a relationship after having just come out of one and I didn’t know the girl.

Then I went to a house party a while later and met this girl. We actually got on rather well and swapped numbers etc. We joked about the guy and became pally with each other. It’s funny because we soon realised we had dated/slept with the same guys! The guy I was speaking to who was in America and the one who I slept with after my ex was someone she had previously dated years back! Then obviously the Italian I’ve mentioned is someone she’s fucked and I had swapped numbers with him but didn’t go back with him. Then the guy I’ve been fucking recently is someone she was seeing a year or two ago. It’s all rather funny, really.

I don’t speak to her much anymore but have always felt I couldn’t go there because she had. She text me randomly a while back asking about my current fuckbuddy, asking if I had feelings for him. I said no, of course not. She said she was checking because she was considering going for a drink with him but didn’t want to step on my toes (something I later discovered is a probable lie). I think she was really just trying to interfere, I don’t know. He denied it and my best friend, who introduced her, said the girl had never mentioned anything of the sort. 

This Italian tried chatting me up again and we kissed a lot that night – I was drunk. I refused to go home with him purely because of this girl and I told her. She wasn’t pissed off with me or anything but she said that he is disgusting, so immoral and that she felt sorry for his girlfriend (who we found he had already broken up with). She was saying that he is such a horrible guy for doing that to his girlfriend and that he’s a cunt and that she feels sick. We were all meeting out that night and I knew he was going to be out too. I didn’t see her much that night, which is normal because sometimes you never bump into people you’re supposed to!

I text her the next day and asked if she saw him and had a go. NOPE! She had gone home with him and fucked him. The day after he had chat me up and she said he was a complete asshole. As I said, he wasn’t in the wrong. Him and I weren’t dating, seeing each other or even texting. We had simply bumped into each other. But she was being a bitch with that and clearly didn’t want me to have him.

We have spoken once since, briefly about some funny status I put. But I have finally seen the light and now know that she isn’t a friend at all. I told my mum and another friend about the situation and said I would go out with him on a date but that I can’t because of her. And they were both like ‘hang on!? She isn’t a mate at all. You don’t see her, you don’t go out together, no meals or drinks or quality time, you don’t call or text each other. You rarely speak. You two aren’t friends at all. She’s merely keeping her friends close and her enemies closer. You date the same guys so you’re just competition to her.’ And it dawned on me.

When I’ve seen him out before he always says that it’s obvious he doesn’t just want sex. He’s like “obviously, I won’t lie, I would love to fuck you. But that can wait. I’d like to get to know you,” and he lectured me the last time I saw him out saying he had asked time and time again and what more did I want? I kept saying NOTHING! But whatever happens, it’s irrelevant because I can’t go there with you. Because of her…

So I’ve agreed to go on a date with him. We are going for a drink Friday. I’m really looking forward to it, actually. We’ve been texting loads (previously, when we did it usually fizzled out, because I felt that ultimately I couldn’t go out with him) and he has slowly added x’s on the end. Started with two, he now regularly puts ten or twelve! HAHA! He’s busy all week in London working and then playing football every night this evening – something to do with preseason training or whatever. But he’s going to call me tomorrow afternoon. 

He called me this evening and we were on the phone for over half hour. We just clicked and it was comfortable speaking to him, despite the fact we’ve never really properly spoken before. I think the date will be fine, just got to keep my IBS under control. I’ll probably just give him a heads up and say I’m not feeling great or something…

He is gorgeous though. He is ridiculously hot and he definitely knows it. I said he’s very good looking on the phone and that he could have lots of girls. He was like “actually, you’d be surprised…” but I interrupted him and was like “yeaaaaaaah whatever. You’re hot and you know it. But we are equally matched so it’s all good.” HAHA! I also have the added bonus of brains and being career orientated, which is unusual for around here. 

I am going to attempt to impose a no sex ban for AT LEAST a month. My mum said it’s unlikely that he just wants sex because if he did, he wouldn’t be trying this hard. I’ve rejected his advances time and time again for the past four months. I do love sex myself so it’s going to be a huge challenge. But if I can carry it out and stick to my resolve, it will be worth while! I’m not quite sure how to bring it up really… Haha don’t want to sound like a freak. Maybe if the first date goes well, I’ll mention that I don’t want to sleep with him for at least a month. We will see how he reacts…

I’ll keep you all filled in. In the meantime let’s hope I stick to my guns and don’t get filled myself… PAHAHAHA! 

Festival Fun!

Oh my god, I’ve had the craziest long weekend. I went to stay with my cousin for the weekend and we went to his amazing house festival called LoveBox. It was so damn good! It’s my first and I was a little worried about how I’d cope with my IBS but it was fine. There were plenty of toilets and the waits were hardly anything… PHEW!

The first day the both of us went just on our own. We made loads of friends because we are both so friendly and confident. It was just so awesome being around happy people who are just cool to talk and listen to the music. I even whipped out some of my ‘shuffling’ dance moves which seemed to impress. I was very drunk though hahaha!

I got absolutely wasted the first day. I was drinking for hours you see, which isn’t usually something I do! Ha. I wasn’t even really interested in guys either. I was looking obviously and would notice, but I wasn’t massively fussed on approaching people or whatever. I was just cool dancing away.

On the second day, we met with her friend and she brought balloons along. They were doing them on the train which is so bloody embarrassing. I wanted to try them because I’m doing my wild thing and what not, but I was a little nervous. I did on the way and they were pretty cool. They only last for around thirty seconds, if that! We did quite a few and my god, I was suffering the next day. My chest was killing me! ARGH! 

But I was rather reckless… They got some MDMA and I tried it. I CANNOT believe it. I’ve never touched drugs in my life apart from the toke on a spliff I had the other day, which I was a pussy about. My cousins does loads of hardcore drugs you see and she got some. She and her friend put it in two bottles of drink and she was shocked when I said I wanted to try some. She said to only have a few tiny sips but me being a twat, in my drunken state, decided that it wouldn’t be enough. I took around eight or ten gulps and after an hour I WAS FUCKED.

It wasn’t even funny, either. It was crazy. I won’t lie, at first it was really awesome. I had loads of energy, I danced constantly, I was fucking buzzing. But because I had so much on my first time, my body reacted to the silly amount. My eyes were wide open and my cousin made me wear sunglasses because it was that obvious. People kept staring at me the whole time and being like SHE IS FUCKEEEEEDDDDDDD! I projectile vomited on three different occasions, including on the field. Two older guys looked after me though, which was so great of them, thank god. The high was supposed to last a few hours but I took it at four and at 12am I still was gone. I was sweating profusely, felt sick four HOURS and kept chewing/clicking my jaw – this is apparently called ‘gurning’ and I’ve been suffering since. My jaw is off alignment and looks very strange because its swollen from the inside. I had ulcers in the sides of my mouth where I had constantly chewed and couldn’t eat for a few days. It’s still hurting now and I have only managed to touch my bottom and top teeth together, with a lot of pain.

At the time when I felt shit, I kept saying: “I’m glad I’ve tried it… But NEVER, EVER again,” which everyone thought was hilarious. But already I’m starting to wonder if I would dabble again. I can see how people can get addicted and it’s very dangerous. It’s a risky game to play. Luckily for me, none of my friends do it, my mum would batter the shit out of me if I started doing drugs (thankfully aha  – she lets me do whatever else) and I don’t know the right people to do it myself… Not that I would do it solo, but you get my point.

I’m glad I’ve tried it though. I always felt like I was a little reckless and wild and usually do my own thing. But I’ve always been a bit of a pussy when trying things like that. So though it’s extremely bad, I’m glad I’ve tried it. But I certainly won’t be doing it on the regular, if again at all!

AMAZING WEEKEND THOUGH. SO SO FUCKING GOOD.

I saw Route 94, Maverick Sabre, Duke Dumont, Tensnake and Ben Pearce. The weather was boiling hot – it was on the hottest day of the year and they were releasing severe weather warnings!

It was just so incredibly fucking good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aaaand the offers have dried up!

It’s either one way or the other. I usually have offers coming out of my ears… And then suddenly I’ll want some fun and there is no one around! 

NOT in a good mood tonight. So after a weird and awkward week of texting with my fuck buddy after his dickheadish ways at the weekend, last night we were talking about needing to meet and fuck ASAP and regularly… But he didn’t reply all day and when he finally did, it was to say that he wasn’t really in the mood.

I just need to find a fuck buddy that is available 2/3 times a week, is decent in bed, I can get on well with them as well and preferably they need to live near! My current one lives 3 minutes away and it’s brilliant because if I get stomach ache because of my IBS, I can just go home!!! I don’t drive so I don’t like the whole ‘I’ll pick you up and take you back in the morning’ situation… Fucksake.

That’s why I like my current fuck buddy and I’m not happy with how things are. We was saying he was horny and frustrated last night, so WHY isn’t he up for sex tonight, on a fucking friday!? GEEZ! What an idiot. 

There are a few guys who I talk to but they are busy… Or I don’t want to sleep with them – just yet. One is currently offering to pick me up and take me back to his (family home as well, AWKS!) but I keep saying no, we can do it another night when I haven’t got to be up for work in the morning. But he’s like no no, I’ll wait. I am not going though. I look like shit, need a shower, my make up and hair would need doing.. Don’t think so!

I like it when I can sleep with someone who I already have slept with because I know what I’m in for. It’s not uncomfortable and it’s not like ARGH! THEY ARE SEEING MY BODY for the first time. 

Why can’t I just find a reliable, decent fuck buddy/friend with benefits. Someone who I can have good sex with, some spooning, a bit of fun with. Shouldn’t be THIS hard!?!

No strings attached but still tangled.

Ergh. I’m tangled to guys I don’t want to be tangled to. And those who I want more from don’t want any strings attached. No surprise there! I get annoyed sometimes but it’s just as well really. Let’s be honest… If the guys I want more with wanted the same thing, it would lead to a relationship. Then a year or so down the line I’d be in the same predicament – feeling trapped, regretting spending my uni experience in a relationship etc!

I thought I had finally found a reliable fuck buddy. We spent Friday together – well, I went round in the afternoon, we chilled and fucked… Then I went back in the evening, we got drunk (I actually tried a spliff!!! LOL! Literally inhaled it twice, the tiniest amount and then was like yep, great – felt no different hahaha) and had more good sex. Then the next day I was up and ready for the day, he was tired. Think I pissed him off by annoying him and after the morning sex and him being absolutely fine, he ignored me! WTF! I saw him out Saturday night and he completely blanked me. Was pretty gutted. Then I saw him on the walk home, we walked back to his arguing. Then he went into his house, I went in too… We spoke briefly then he went upstairs and acted like a complete cunt, just ignoring me and not apologising for being an asshole. So I marched downstairs, searched for the key, went to his room, found it in his jeans, said I was leaving and did just that.

We’ve spoken today and it’s been fine. I feel I’m having to strain in the conversation though. Like, before, it seemed natural. Now I just feel like I’m trying too much or when we joke around I worry he think’s I’m being moany (because he said I moan a lot). I said I thought he got our banter and he said I’m quite argumentative, which is hilarious because that’s why we get on. We have great sexual chemistry and take the piss. I dunno, it’s fine. I just feel a bit disappointed because he was a fuck buddy that I was enjoying myself with! I thought we were also good friends because we text everyday. Friends with benefits I suppose. Then he was so rude. Friends don’t act like that.

MEANWHILE – the other guy, the one who was trying to make me jealous and failed. I don’t really know the situation. Obviously we talk loads, we went on a date and we slept together – though it wasn’t for long! But I’m not sure I’m massively attracted to him. And I think that he thinks he can change me, when he can’t. I don’t want anything more with him, I’d know by now.

The guy I just spoke about, if he wanted more, I’d be tempted – so it’s good that he doesn’t! He’s made that perfectly clear and I wonder whether that’s why he was a dick. Because he feels I’m being clingy etc – I’m not sure. Which is hilarious because he’s the one who was like ‘do you fancy coming over Sunday?’ – I didn’t go round, of course. I think I may text him tomorrow and ask if he wants me to go round. He will reply to me in the morning as he fell asleep last. I’m working Wednesday and seeing my best friend Thursday. So I kind of want to see him at some point for sex. HAHAHA! I’ll take the first step and man up. He has suggested me going round the last few times so I’ll take control and make it so that it’s not just on his terms. It’s when I want to see him too, motherfucker!

Anyway, back to my original point about the clingy guy. I’ve pulled back recently and haven’t been texting much. Partly because I want to give him a hint and partly because  I can’t be bothered. There are so many guys texting me at the moment and I get sick of looking at my damn phone! I need to stop procrastinating and wasting so much time on guys, especially when they aren’t even guys who are worth putting lots of effort in – inevitably, I will lose contact with them all and I won’t make any of them my boyfriend.

We were just on the phone and he was talking about how he’s different to other guys. He was saying he’s laid back and cool and wouldn’t want to see his girlfriend loads. He said: “hypothetically speaking, if we were to be together in like 8 months, I wouldn’t want to see you every day anyway. I’d be too busy with work. So I wouldn’t stop you doing stuff.” And I replied: “Well yeah, I see your point. But naturally, by being with you, or any guy, I would be stopped from doing stuff. Not from you personally, but just being in a relationship. You sacrifice a lot of things and it’s all about compromise, which is fine, when it’s what you want. But I don’t.” He kept saying that we will see how it goes bla bla bla. I was like NO! FOR FUCKSAKE! Well, that’s what I was thinking.

I explained that I had already spent two years of my university experience with two different long term boyfriends. It definitely held me back. They didn’t, or at least the second one, didn’t hold me back intentionally. I almost held myself back. I didn’t want to be out partying and making friends at Uni when I could be rushing home immediately after lectures to my boyfriend. I didn’t join societies or spend time at the library. I just turned up, did my stuff, went home. Day after day. And I don’t want that again.

I’m enjoying single life. I need to stop making it so much about men, I definitely think that. I just want one or two (so I don’t become needy) fuck buddies/friends with benefits. Guys I can hang with, then I’m happy. I can chill with them, get sex, cuddles etc. And I won’t need to worry about texting other guys and dating. I can focus on other stuff and that’ll be cool.

I need to focus on me. Not my men. Not my sex life, necessarily. Just ME!

Keeping up with it all.

I need to simplify my life, I really fucking do. It’s too hectic. There are too many men and I just can’t keep up… It’s all good fun but I do need to focus on other stuff. I hardly have time for any other hobbies after spending time with friends, family and men. That’s it. The amount of time I spend talking to all of them it would be easier and less time consuming to just have a boyfriend! HAHA!

I’ve been talking a lot to a guy. He’s quite awesome, attractive, very stylish, a fashion buyer, intelligent… He’s also Indian. We get on amazingly but I have told him I don’t want another relationship. He acts like he’s fine with it and says he’s fine with that situation, but I have a feeling that deep down he thinks he can change that. And me. But he won’t. I’m finally embracing single life (maybe a little too wildly) and I’m enjoying myself.

We talk most days on the phone and we text constantly. I spent last week commuting to a big city for work experience for my degree. The days were extremely long and tiring and I loved knowing he was there for me. I’d call him as soon as I left the office or if I was sent out on a task and was unsure about how to approach it. He was great. And I made him just as happy. But I don’t want him thinking it’s more, because it’s not. Essentially it’s friends with benefits. I’ve explained this. I don’t just want super casual sex. I like to spend time with the men I’m fucking, to hang out, spoon, eat together. But just no exclusivity etc – though I don’t want to hear about the other women either. I’m a very jealous person and don’t think it would bide well to rub it in my face. However because I’m a rather attractive person (obviously you all don’t know what I look like so I need to give you a fair idea), it wouldn’t be a good idea to. I will just let them go and move on.

He tried that and it didn’t go down too well – not because I was jealous, but because I wasn’t. Over dinner, he mentioned that he was being pursued by seven other girls. I said it was cool and that he should go on dates with them. He asked if I was bothered and I said not at all, because I wasn’t (this is how I know that I don’t want more with him). He back tracked and said he was only actually interested in me anyway. But I told him to go ahead and date if he wanted to. He then admitted that he was really intimidated by me. Apparently, he usually get’s a lot of attention (definitely believable, he’s very handsome) but he said that he’s very aware of how attractive I am. He said “for every one girl that hits on me, I know you’re probably texting another ten.” I didn’t want to lie (I’m probably texting around ten guys, not quite seventy!) so I said that yes, I do get a fair amount of attention. However I also reminded him that I was sitting having dinner with him and not one of those other guys. That made him feel a little better. I don’t want to be a bitch about it all and dent his ego, because he’s lovely. I just don’t want more.

Last night on the phone he asked if we were exclusive. I didn’t know what to say as I don’t want it to be. If we are talking constantly, going on dates, sleeping with each other, phoning each other daily, meeting parents and being exclusive – then we might as well be together properly and that is just NOT what I want. He said ‘I think we will just end up being exclusive anyway’ and I was like ‘ummm, really? I don’t know… I’m not gonna say you can’t date other girls because I’ve told you already that I don’t want more. So I’m not going to be a twat about it and say you can’t. Feel free to date other girls.’ It’s awkward because I haven’t mentioned that he’s the only one and actually slept with someone at the weekend. 

The guy I slept with is someone I’ve already slept with before, so it’s cool. I text him almost every day and we have a fuck buddy agreement. We slept together a few months ago and hadn’t gotten round to fucking again until the weekend. I get on well with him and he’s awesome in bed! So we met in town and went home together. We had amazing sex, for HOURS… Then went sleep. When we woke he was horny but I had stomach ache so tried to avoid sex. I eventually went toilet but was worried about fucking again, just in case the ache came back. IBS problems for godsake… I like it because we snuggle loads too. We both woke and talked face to face, then he snuggled into me. He strokes my back and feels my bum etc. We eventually had sex then went into another bedroom as he has his own house. Afterwards we cuddled and talked for ages. I was there for hours and finally went home at like 3pm. He even offered to take me McDonalds or to grab me something – I politely declined. We have made it clear that it is what it is. He doesn’t want more, neither do I. At first I was a bit disappointed (months ago) as I was wondering if I wanted something more serious. I’m so glad I didn’t however as I’ve finally accepted that being single is the way to be! I’m only twenty, shouldn’t be settled down and should just live my life. We get on great, the sex is very VERY decent, we text most days and we just get on. So there’s no reason to change anything – unless one of us develops feelings, like in any friends-with-benefits situation. We covered this early on. 

I’m also speaking to the guy from America still, of course. We are great friends now and he’s still the best I’ve had in bed (and out of it!) He’s super busy so we don’t get to speak that much but we skyped for an hour today which was great. I have such double standards! I am dating and sleeping with other guys but I hate it when he does. I don’t tell him this… Aha we spoke about the girls in his camp in the US and if he’s gonna fuck any, which he obviously will as he’s out there for three months. He’s planning on taking a girl to a motel this weekend so they can get it on. I joked that I wasn’t happy because I couldn’t regain my top spot if she knocked me off, but he said I was extremely high above anyone else and so it was unlikely, which is sweet. Ha. He wouldn’t tell me if she did I don’t think! It’s weird with him… He’s everything I’d want in a man, we get on amazingly, he’s attractive, intelligent, training in medicine which is impressive. He travels and lives his life. It’s the wrong person at the wrong time. My mum and others say it’s the type of situation where we will maybe date etc in five or ten years! I don’t know. We will see. Maybe! It’s just as well that he’s in America and then hours away at med school because I would have probably started to fall for him. I don’t want to put myself in that situation because I DON’T want a relationship but if someone amazing comes along, I can’t help it. 

I finally got rid of that idiot who was in America on holiday. It was nice to sleep with him after my ex, was a good way to ease myself into it. But he’s such a prick. We hardly speak now and I don’t even bother. It used to really bother me but it doesn’t anymore.

I’m still speaking to a guy from Kavos and we are possibly meeting next week. I was supposed to see him Thursday (probably wouldn’t have happened as he’s always busy) but I am too busy now. 

I met a hot guy on Saturday night actually. I was too interested in another guy to bother with him properly HAHA! But I saw him, approached him and said: “You’re hot. Give me your number now.” So he did. And then I didn’t think anything of it, until he text me the afternoon after! HAHAHA! We’ve been speaking and he’s actually much more suitable than I thought. He’s just got a law degree (HOT!) and is pretty cool to speak to. He said when I went up to him, he was like SHIT, SHE’S HOT! That made me giggle. So it’s fun talking with him.

The strangest thing happened the other day. There’s this guy who came up to where I work to play pool. I’ve seen him before a month or two ago and thought he was gorgeous. Meanwhile, another guy from Plenty Of Fish has been messaging me. I wasn’t too interested as I assumed he lived ages away and I’ve been preoccupied with other guys. We were flirting at the bar and he went off to his friend and I suddenly realised who the hell he was. POF guy! I was absolutely shocked!!!!! So I text him and said I had finally clicked. He was like: Finally lol xx – I was freeeeeeaaaaaaaaaakeeeed out! But he’s very hot. He has been texting me lots and clearly wants sex. It’s strange because that’s all I essentially want but not in that manner.

He was all dirty, sending me rude pictures and asking for some in return. I said I wouldn’t give him any back and he was okay with that. I said it would take more than a few texts and a ten minute conversation at work to get me into bed. So he offered to take me to dinner. And then yesterday he suggested that I get the train to Nottingham (he would pay for the ticket) and meet him at a hotel. It has a jacuzzi and pool etc. He would treat me for dinner and then drive me back the next day. That’s all very lovely but a little dodgy as I’ve never properly spent time with him. That would be sexy as hell (though again, I have to consider my IBS – FUCK!) but I’d want to have gone for a dinner or something with him first. It can be very dangerous…

ANYWAY – That’s enough men for now. I’m getting tired thinking about it all. That’s only some of them. Now you see why I need a break. I may just stick with a few and pap the rest off! Saturday night’s squeeze seems reliable – that’s why there’s so many, because they are never consistent. It’s frustrating. But he lives round the corner and said he doesn’t want to wait as long this time round, which is a good point because it was around two months! So I’m going round his Friday to stay.

I’m supposed to be going on a date tomorrow with the guy who I’ve told I don’t want more with. But I may have to cancel because we’ve arranged a family dinner instead. He will be gutted but it’s got to be done… Maybe I’ll see my reliable fuck buddy Saturday night too. I’ll be going out regardless and I’ll either meet him out or pop by after town… Hehehe. 

This being single lark is rather fun and spontaneous… It’s definitely the way to be when I’m so young.

CRINGE WORTHY I KNOW… BUT… YOLOOOOOOOOO! 

Dates…

Hmmm, I don’t know how I feel about dates. The concept is a lovely one but I find that it can lead to some awkward situations. You see shows like Sex and The City and it makes it look so alluring. The excitement of getting ready, having the guy pick you up or meeting under the city bridge. Oh, the romance! However it’s not quite like that in reality, is it?

Firstly, the most important thing I have to consider is my IBS. I get such bad stomach aches and being in a car can really set it off. Then add going to restaurants and trying different food etc – GEEZ! It’s a nightmare. I don’t exactly want to tinge a first date with the whole ‘oh by the way! My bowels can be temperamental’ thing so I keep shtump. It’s always on my mind though and can flare up at any moment – for example, on a plane, like I recently experienced! Telling the air hostess I was severe diarrhea and having to move seats to the front to be close to the toilet wasn’t exactly the most enjoyable of experiences, I must admit!

 Then there’s the awkward ‘who’s paying’ moment. I’m in two mindsets. I like old fashioned courtesy and even my brother was nagging my best friend and I to just let the guy pay on the first date. My best friend argued and said she wouldn’t allow it (but that’s because her boyfriend isn’t at all a gent and she’s probably been forced to accept this on his low wage!) but my brother told her she’s stupid and that she should allow the guy to because it’s rude if not.

Both my exes spoiled me rotten. They always paid for dinner (though on occasion I would, or I’d buy dessert) but they wouldn’t usually let me pay. I would spoil them with gifts and thoughtful things however… But as I said, I am old fashioned and believe guys should hold doors open for women and pay on the first date (though always be prepared to pay and actually have money, just in case!) But the last date I went on I refused to let him pay for me. He offered numerous times and I argued with him until he finally let me pay half. That set the precedent for the rest of our dates/activities and then I was left feeling a little disappointed because he wasn’t exactly a gent on the first date. Which is silly, because I made it so! It’s tricky because I like it when a man pays on the first date (it’s courteous and old fashioned) yet I feel very uncomfortable letting them do so and usually force them to accept MY way. I went for drinks a while back with a guy and was so adamant that he wouldn’t pay that I ended up buying the drinks! It was only two J20’s to be fair, but still. I said I would pay and had my money and he said no he would. I argued and said no no, I will and so he accepted it and let me pay. That did put me off a little though. Even the guys around us at the bar looked at him a little strangely, almost as if to say: You’re going to let the lady pay!? 

Anyway, the point of this post. Well, that time has come. I need to start going on dates. I’ve been asked on so many and never go! The only one I went on with was that trainee doctor and we still speak every day now. It’s just unfortunate that it can’t work because he’s in the states and then will be in Wales! 

There are a few guys who have asked me on dates, mainly via POF (that dating website I mentioned before). Some are very attractive actually and there are a few guys that I’ve started speaking to within the past few days who I would like to date perhaps! There are a few who want to take me out next week though.

One isn’t particularly brainy. His dad is a successful journalist (DAMN! Shoulda had the dad instead hahaha!) but he’s a mechanical engineer – so not particularly intelligent. It’s obvious to me but not perhaps others. He said to me ‘look, just go on a date with me. I will pick you up, take you out somewhere. We may enjoy ourselves and have fun, I may end up thinking it was a complete waste of time and my money. But we will find out!’ It made me laugh and so I agreed to go with him (this conversation was over text, by the way!) I met him in person on a night out – he’s a shot guy in a club. He’s very handsome though possibly ginger under all that bleach!? Not my usual type, very muscly, but hell, that’s the fun of dating, right!? He’s also said he’s not looking for a relationship right now but doesn’t just want a one night stand either. He added that you can’t force falling in love and that it just happens, which I completely agree with. That’s actually a perfect situation I suppose, because I don’t exactly want a relationship and if so, not with someone who isn’t extremely intelligent with a degree… I have now decided that any boyfriend I do have must be at university or have a degree, at least. And actively seeking a career, not just a job. It’s the minimum requirement for me! So anyway… I suppose that could work. We could hang out, have fun, have awesome sex (he says he’s good and I can tell that he probably is, little slut!) and then if it fizzles out then it was nice while it lasted! He wants to take me out next week so we shall see!

There’s also another guy I’ve been speaking to. I’ve just got off the phone from him actually – an hour phone call and we only started messaging yesterday. He ticks lots of boxes but not others… Firstly, he’s only 5’7! Big issue there… I’m 5’4 and like a tall man! He’s also Indian. I don’t want to sound racist because it’s not meant at all in that way! But we all have types, just like there are lots of Indian men out there who wouldn’t even consider dating a ‘white girl’ or someone out of their culture/race. But he is good looking and isn’t ‘typical hindu’ – in that he isn’t overly obsessed with the religion, his parents allow mixed race relationships and he doesn’t have an Indian accent. He did a masters in criminology but a job with the Ministry Of Defence fell through and so is now working as a fashion buyer for NEXT. That’s pretty cool and he clearly has amazing dress sense. But it’s not exactly the doctor or solicitor I’m looking for! Also, I’m not sure I want a serious relationship right now. I want the dates and having someone and closeness, but not sure I want to completely commit… And it sounds like he does. But we will see! He wants to meet next Saturday to go shopping, for some food and to hang out. Then he will drop me home apparently.

We will see. There’s no harm in meeting him but I feel like in this country, dating isn’t just dating and having fun. It HAS to lead to a relationship or nothing. I had two dates with my first boyfriend and then after that, it was a two and a half year relationship. I feel like the days are numbered when you have dates. In Sex and The City (sorry to keep referencing it, I don’t base my life on TV series, I promise!) the women also date multiple men, which is seen as acceptable. And it is! You’re not exclusive, you’re not cheating. But around here, that would be frowned upon. It would be seen as going behind each others back and it would become ‘I spent money on you and you went for dinner with another guy!!!!’ 

Maybe I’m overthinking it all. Perhaps it will be fine. I don’t like putting myself into situations where I could possibly fall for them either… Neither tick all the boxes but my friends and family say ‘why not go on a date? If you have fun then it’s fulfilled it’s purpose!’ That’s correct, yes. Dates should be fun and that’s a great positive from being single. Makes up for the ‘lonely nights’ as such (I wouldn’t say I feel particularly lonely on my nights but it seems to be the common phrase associated with singletons…) 

What happens in Kavos…

I returned from Kavos on Friday and WOW! What a week! My body is definitely paying for it now though! I have a chest infection, I am so physically exhausted and I my legs are cramping up all the time from the hectic dancing every night. But I’d do it all again! I loved being out there but I was ready to come home after the week. I want to go back on another girls holiday already though!

So, a quick recap. I only slept with two people (some may think that’s a lot, I don’t…) I had people joking it’s at least one a night but I wasn’t that wild! Both guys I slept with more than once and also continued to text. I’m still texting one now so I think that’s good. Well it’s actually not but I’ll fill you all in about that later!

We arrived in the evening, got some food and of course – headed out! In Kavos we learnt that you can’t go out until 1am really else it’s quite quiet and tame. We went early season too… If I was to do it all again, we would have booked it a good few weeks later. It was all starting to kick off as we were leaving, but that being said, we still had an awesome time!

There were four of us. I was very open to the idea of having sex abroad. As long as it’s not with the Grecian locals, I don’t see why it’s any different to fucking back home. The other three were very against the idea. HAHA! I knew it wouldn’t last. One of the girls didn’t sleep with anyone bless her, and I don’t blame her. She’s only slept with one guy and she’s 22. The other two? HYPOCRITES! 

The first night was rather entertaining. I was so worried because it looked dead and there was literally no one out when we were eating at like 10pm. In time, I realised why that was. But I was extremely put off by it at first! Long story short, I fancied this ‘cunty snap back type’ (it became a joke with us because that’s the guys I’d go for) with a beard and tattoos. I decided I wanted him straight away and was told he is very fussy. Clearly not! Ha. I pulled him the first night and ended up going to his apartment. I refused to have sex there though because I had a friend and her nights squeeze and certainly wasn’t going to fuck in the same room as her! So we all went for a walk on the beach. It was pitch black and we went our separate ways. We got down to it on the sand (luckily I didn’t get sand everywhere as I was on top) and it was kinda cool because it’s always a place I’ve wanted to tick off! The sex was cut short because the condom came off and I refused to continue without. We continued to text for the holiday and on the second last night, he finally got his way. We went back to mine and fucked again. The apartment was full so it was annoying. We started to fuck in the bed but I didn’t like that my friend was there, albeit asleep. So I made him stop the spoon position and we went into the bathroom instead. He knew what he was doing, was stronger than expected, could lift me into all sorts of positions and looked a good hair pulling.

Rewind a little… On the third night, I met another guy. He’s completely NOT my type. Joey Essex lookalike, very vain, amazing body, fake tanned, ridiculous fashion sense… But there was just something about him. We ended up going back together and had decent sex! I wouldn’t say he was amazing with his hands or mouth and probably not even that great in bed… But I fancied him so damn much! He stayed and kissed me before he left and went. He text later on and met up again. We went to the beach whilst my friend had the room with her guy and then we eventually walked back and had sex again. This time it was much better. I was on top and he loved it, said I was amazing. Though I’m sure men say that to anyone they are fucking hahaha! 

I saw him at a foam party and it was also amazing. We had had a falling out over his friend (he fancied me and I said I wasn’t interested… Next thing I know, he’s gone and told my guy that I offered to fuck him… WTF! So my guy went mad and we had a huge argument). He approached me and said he wanted to hate me but that I was too hot to ignore. We made up and had fun at the foam party. We kissed and danced and it was a good laugh. We met up later that night and I saw him at a big party. We kissed and some girl approached me and basically told me she had also been fucking him. 

Now, it sounds silly, but I was actually pretty gutted. I fancied him so much and he had been so possessive for the past few days, saying I wasn’t allowed to kiss any guys and certainly not sleep with them. I kept to my word and obviously he didn’t. My friend went MAD! She threw a drink over him, started pushing him and even punched him in the face. It was rather humorous. I sent him a shitty text saying I’m glad I used a condom because he’s clearly a dirty skank etc and the next day he apologised. We made up and I said I was stupid to expect any less from a guy I met in Kavos. It just annoyed me that he was controlling and had double standards. But I got my revenge the next day. We went for a big talk and he was all ‘lets have a heart to heart.’ He said he was sorry for being a cunt and said that he was a nice guy etc. And I said ‘look it’s okay. You slept with someone on the first night, so did I, that’s life. It’s Kavos.’ He was like ‘ERR WHAT!? YOU DIDN’T TELL ME THAT!’ I was like ‘Yeah… You didn’t tell me you’ve been shagging some girl behind my back either? And?’ He stormed off and I was so smug about it for hours afterwards, it was my own revenge. And best served cold. Haha!

After all that though he still text and asked for one ‘last holiday bang’ – So we met up, went back to his for the first time, locked the door and ignored his friends when they were banging on the door… We had awesome sex, it was fiesty and naughty. I kept saying how much I hated him and that he was a cunt. Still couldn’t resist though. Even as I was bent over the kitchen counter, he said: “This is so fucking bad…” And I was like: “Yeah, it’s so wrong… But feels so good.” He laughed and started to fuck me even harder. Afterwards, I said I had to go. He wanted to spoon but it was my last night and I had a flight to catch the next day. He walked me home and we held hands and spoke about all the drama of the holiday. 

Since being back, I’ve discovered he has a girlfriend. I suspected it whilst I was there but he denied it. We talk and I’ve said to him that he should just end it with her. He says he’s going to behave from now on and that it was only Kavos behavior. What’s even more funny is that he said: “I’m actually proper behaved usually. I hadn’t even spoken or done anything with any girls for 6 months before coming to Kavos.” He’s been with this girl for two years… I saw his and her instagrams and she put stuff like: 2 years with my boy. #lovehim #allmime #heisamazing.     I was like UH OH! I said he should end it with her because it’s not fair and it won’t last if he’s cheated already. He was like: “Nah I disagree. I have mates who are married with kids and they still misbehave every now and then.” Like WOW! What a great lifestyle to aspire to… But each to their own!

I’m just excited for my year ahead, I have so much organised! I have work experience in just under two weeks, a house festival with my cousin mid July followed by maybe a weekend away partying with her. I have a holiday with my sister in August (though it’s yet to be booked, last minute deals ayyy!), Zoo Project in September, a weekend away with my sister and then the start of my second year at University… And now this thing called ‘Naughty Reuinion’ which is a weekend festival with over 6000 people who have been abroad on wild holidays. You stay in lovely little chalets and the clubs don’t close for 52 hours!!! FUN FUN FUN!!!

Looking back.

It’s strange looking back at old posts, seeing how in love with him I was. I’m supposed to actually be seeing him today as he plans on giving me my money that he owes. I’m not sure I’m completely ready to see him (though I have seen him out once or twice) but I have no choice and I need the money.

He’s in a full blown relationship with another woman now. I found out over a month ago he was with her which was pretty awful because we had only been broken up a month and a half/two months. It’s with a girl he dated ten years ago and I always felt intimidated by her. He said she wore far too much make up and was disgusting. Haha. Perhaps not, huh!? I’m okay though. Apparently he went official with her on facebook last night (my friend mentioned it, I didn’t know because I deleted him to avoid seeing just that!) but I wasn’t too bothered. I’m just living my life and doing what I’m doing.

It’s hard though, being single. Sometimes I love it and love the fact I can do whatever I want. I have such fun being promiscuous and seeing different guys. But I do kind of want just one guy to do that with and that’s obviously a relationship. I definitely shouldn’t get into another relationship so soon after being in two massive ones. I need to just accept being single is good and focus on all the things I can do FOR MYSELF. I’m obsessed with men at the moment and it’s ridiculous. It’s because I used it as a defense mechanism when I first broke up with him… It helped to get lots of attention from other guys. But now? Hmm, it’s becoming too much. I think my mum and sister are going crazy because it’s men, men and more men! Trying to remember their names is ridiculous. My best friend is also the same (though she’s having major problems with her long term boyfriend at the moment and despises single life because that’s what their problem is – him wanting to be single). I dunno… I just need to focus on how to best improve myself rather than talking to, meeting with and seeing guys all the time.

I’m off on a girls holiday in 2 days! So maybe that last bit will have to wait for a week… HAHAHA! But we shall see….