Looking back.

It’s strange looking back at old posts, seeing how in love with him I was. I’m supposed to actually be seeing him today as he plans on giving me my money that he owes. I’m not sure I’m completely ready to see him (though I have seen him out once or twice) but I have no choice and I need the money.

He’s in a full blown relationship with another woman now. I found out over a month ago he was with her which was pretty awful because we had only been broken up a month and a half/two months. It’s with a girl he dated ten years ago and I always felt intimidated by her. He said she wore far too much make up and was disgusting. Haha. Perhaps not, huh!? I’m okay though. Apparently he went official with her on facebook last night (my friend mentioned it, I didn’t know because I deleted him to avoid seeing just that!) but I wasn’t too bothered. I’m just living my life and doing what I’m doing.

It’s hard though, being single. Sometimes I love it and love the fact I can do whatever I want. I have such fun being promiscuous and seeing different guys. But I do kind of want just one guy to do that with and that’s obviously a relationship. I definitely shouldn’t get into another relationship so soon after being in two massive ones. I need to just accept being single is good and focus on all the things I can do FOR MYSELF. I’m obsessed with men at the moment and it’s ridiculous. It’s because I used it as a defense mechanism when I first broke up with him… It helped to get lots of attention from other guys. But now? Hmm, it’s becoming too much. I think my mum and sister are going crazy because it’s men, men and more men! Trying to remember their names is ridiculous. My best friend is also the same (though she’s having major problems with her long term boyfriend at the moment and despises single life because that’s what their problem is – him wanting to be single). I dunno… I just need to focus on how to best improve myself rather than talking to, meeting with and seeing guys all the time.

I’m off on a girls holiday in 2 days! So maybe that last bit will have to wait for a week… HAHAHA! But we shall see…. 

How things change.

I really need to figure out how to change the blog title!? So it would be greatly appreciate if someone could let me know how to do so? I’ve tried but can’t seem to find how to… I really am making myself look a little blonde right now I think…

So anyway, a massive update. Well… I am living the single life. I’ve slept with 4 guys since and I’m glad I have. I feel that I’m now doing what I always wanted, which is living my life, acting my age and making mistakes. It’s all part of life. It’s been bloody complicated though! And there was me thinking that a relationship was enough hassle.

I got talking to a guy from my town who was in America at the time. We spoke for three weeks, I started to like him, we slept together and now it’s purely just sex. But we never actually make it happen. Bit of a fail. But it’s so annoying because he has a hold over me and I can’t help but want him. It’s so frustrating as he’s such a twat.

Then there was a random guy, someone I knew from school – he was a few years above me. I’m not interested in going there again.

The third guy is someone I had talked to online for a while but stopped. We bumped into each other one night and went home together. I then went round his the next day and we talked for hours and spooned. Ha! He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want commitment though so that’s that. He lives around the corner from me though which is handy. We haven’t met up since last weekend as I was actually on my period and I’m supposed to be seeing him tomorrow, but probably won’t actually go round!

Then there’s the most recent… Well, he’s basically perfect but we won’t be getting together at all. He’s very handsome, extremely intelligent, training to be a doctor, ambitious, likes to travel, we make each other laugh… We’ve been speaking online for about a month or so and we met up a few weeks back. We went on two dates. The first was lunch and a quick drink. The second we played squash, went for food and then a milkshake (7 hour date) aha! He went back to University but visited again ten days later. That was the weekend. It was a great weekend! I met him on Friday at 11:30am. We went to our big local park and walked round the lake – and fucked for the first time. It was naughty and rough and we actually got seen by a woman walking her dog in the distance. ARGH! Hilarious though. We walked to a restaurant and ate there. We went back to mine, he met my mum and spoke to her for over an hour which was great. She thinks hes extremely handsome, intelligent and polite, bless her. She went out and we had more awesome sex! Then we went bowling, played some pool, went into town for some drinks and I met his brother. We bumped into ‘American Guy’ (the one I can’t help but want) as he was there with friends. It was so awkward as that night he had text me saying he wanted to see me. Hahaha! He was trying to make himself known and as soon as the guy I was with wondered off for a few minutes, he came straight on over! And while I was with him, I glanced over and he smirked, lifted his pint and winked at me. FUCKER!

Anyway… So aside from that, we had a good night. Then we went home, ate pot noodles and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up with a bad belly but managed to sort it as I knew he wanted more sex. Hahaha! I went to make a cup of tea and we made nachos at like 11am. Ha! We ate them in my room while watching a new tv series. Then we had the most amazing sex. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s rough, kinky and clearly experienced. I’ve never met someone so good with their hands (he definitely goes at it hard though hahaha) and he’s awesome with his mouth too. When we fucked, he had me in so many positions. I was so loud and the bed almost broke but I didn’t care that much, which is unusual as my mum was downstairs! Thankfully she didn’t hear apparently! Then I could NOT believe it… After he came, we were chilling out and getting ready for him to leave… About fifteen minutes before he left, he started fingering me and it felt super good, but had done every time. It was so squelchy (sorry for the grim details) and wet and suddenly I felt cum on my leg – he actually made me SQUIRT! I was fucking gobsmacked!!! He was very proud of his achievement… Hehehe!

You must all be wondering why I’m not marrying the guy! He makes me laugh, he’s romantic, intelligent, sexy, ambitious, well traveled, polite, amazing in bed… But he’s off to America for three and a half months. Then after that he’s studying at a University three and a half hours away from me. He can’t drive (as he’s at Uni) and once he becomes a doctor, he will never be home as he will work silly hours and travel around to places that have vacancies! So it’s rather a shame… But that’s life for you!

I speak to a lot of guys though. I mean I always used to, and technically I’m just getting back into old habits. However when I used to speak to guys, I was also a virgin and so it was always flirting and suggestive statements, not actual sex. I’m living the life I wanted to (sleeping with people – judge me, I don’t care, I feel you should experience life before settling down as how can you know that someone is the one if you have no one to compare them to?) yet sometimes wonder if I like the person I’ve become… 

The end looked near.

Things are not going to plan. He hasn’t done it and I’m so distraught. I’m overcome with disappointment and no matter how much he apologies, I can’t let it go. I can’t forgive him just yet.

I’ve never doubted him. I’ve always known he loves me and that he’s besotted. But it’s led me to question whether he loves me as much as I thought he did. Because I feel that he doesn’t. That’s what upsets me, the fact I’m questioning him and us and our love. I’ve always had faith.

A long time ago, I don’t know, maybe a few months into the affair? I was convinced he loved me. He was so in love with me and couldn’t stand the thought of me being upset. If something was wrong, it would kill him. He wouldn’t be able to sleep or concentrate and once, when we called it off and didn’t talk for days, he was beside himself. His girlfriend asked on numerous occasions why he was sulking and he told me that he couldn’t even pretend to be okay because he was hurting that much. 

Now? I feel he doesn’t even care. I know he does. I KNOW that he loves me insane amounts and I don’t know what it is. I feel like something has changed.

I can’t explain it… He takes me out for so many dinners (which he never could do. We were always too fearful of being caught etc) and gets me gifts like my blazers or my elephant. I see him so much more than I used to yet I feel we are growing apart. Something is missing that used to be there. He would buy me tiny gifts like bracelets and a kinder egg – all the time. I loved that. He gets me bigger things but its the small tokens of love that assured me of our love.

His desperation was what I lived from. Not in a bad way. I don’t want that to be seen as his unhappiness made me unhappy etc. I mean his desperation for me – how badly he had to see me, all the time. The risks he would take. How he would be unhappy at the thought of not seeing me and he used to say that if I left him, it would destroy him. Now it doesn’t feel like it would. I feel he would survive quite happily without me.

Maybe he can.